Joshua's English Blog

This most recent breakup has been pretty rough. That sounds crazy, especially coming from me given how this is my sixth (?) go-around with a relationship in the last four years and for whatever reason I still can't seem to get it down pat. Nah, I'm lying, I highkey know the reason. The residuals have just been kinda hard to cope with since I was dating this girl for over a year and it turns out that I was actually way more attached to her than I initially figured when I broke it off between us. It is mostly my fault the way things went down and I can acknowledge that. I'll never be too prideful to admit when I'm in the wrong, internally at least. My eyes were bigger than my stomach and I'm pretty sure I have issues with long-term commitment and fidelity. I should talk to a therapist. I miss the girl bad but I know deep down in my heart of hearts that we're better off apart, and that I shouldn't pester her anymore. Being mature is so hard, I swear.

 Last school year I was suspended for a period of six days after I climbed on top of the roof of the school to film a segment for the Lakeside Viking News. During my house arrest, my grades plummeted in several classes, making me lag behind severely as I struggled to catch up again. It wasn't easy and anxiety was abundant. I managed to lock in, though. Well, more or less. I didn't clutch up in algebra and American English which wasn't fun.

My mom helps me with things quite frequently, and I at one point sincerely doubted I could ever grow up to live without her. I obviously don't feel that way anymore, thank God. I for sure appreciate the fact that my mom will always be there for me and I'm immensely grateful to have her but I can't also feel inadequate, like I'm not doing enough to stimulate my growth and independence as a burgeoning young man. It's a wack, contradictory feeling which I've expressed to her a few times before under different circumstances and she either reassured me that there was nothing to be ashamed of or called me out for being a lazy, jobless bum. I feel like I could be doing more. I want to be doing more, but I'm holding myself back for whatever reason. What a conundrum.

In my freshman year I had no friends. I joined the class of 2025 a month late, showing up to school in mid to late October instead of early September like I was supposed to, a fault on the part of the NYCDOE who were totally incompetent and woefully mishandled the enrollment of several kids around my age into school. That one month really made a difference because I was a total pariah when I first showed up. I did everything by myself, even eating lunch alone most days. I only started to really interact with my classmates when I asked to join a group of boys who would eventually come to be my friends in a game of basketball. The rest was history but man, did it ever take some balls on my part to get to that point. I was so fraught with then-unmedicated anxiety that I could hardly bring myself to approach them, teetering on the verge of a meltdown as I grappled with the possibility of being rebuffed and clowned. I did it, though, and eventually I found a clique of sorts.  More readi...

 Winter break was totally boring and I spent most of my time either sleeping, lazing around with my girlfriend, eating, or playing PlayStation. There's hardly anything worthwhile to talk about here so I'm going to skip to my goals for 2025. Maybe my writing will be reinvigorated tomorrow. Goals -Graduate (of course) -Buy a new backpack, the one I have now is cheeks -Stop working these crazy slave shifts after school -Get some new shoes -Reach enlightenment through Buddha's teachings

The best gift I ever got was definitely the first non-hand-me-down video console which I've ever owned. My mom bought me my PlayStation 4 for Christmas of 2015 and that was a life-changing moment. I had lots of fun with that thing, but I think on a subconscious level, I treasured it more because I knew how hard my mom had been working to get it for me. That was a gift from the heart, and it meant a lot to me.  Mr. Rease wasn't here today. No telling where the guy's at but I hope he's okay. Today was a review day which mostly involved us answering a set of questions pertaining to The Color Purple . Lightwork, really. I hope it stays that way because these finals are no joke, dude.